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The Plastic Hippo

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Which side are you on? 

26 May 17

I have to admit that until Monday evening, I had never heard of Ariana Grande and even now, more than 72 hours later, I remain completely unfamiliar with her work but recognise that her talent and status make her important as an icon and role model …


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Pen pals 

19 May 17

In an age of brutally instant electronic communication, how pleasant and delightful it is to receive an actual letter through the post that is not a final demand, court summons or an invitation to the home owner or occupier to wave goodbye with …


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Yeah whatever 

17 May 17

In a mature democracy, regardless of overwhelming evidence of reckless irresponsibility, any government deciding to deny voting rights to millions of citizens might appear a little harsh if not actually undemocratic…


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Always let your conscience be your guide 

14 May 17

Perhaps he has been lured away by two scurrilous villains known as Honest Liam the Fox and Gideon the Evening Standard Cat to join Stromboli`s evil puppet show or he has been transported to so-called Pleasure Island where foolish boys unable to tell …


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Rubbish 

10 May 17

As the BBC announces details of its proposed election coverage, critics of the corporation are again accusing the state broadcaster of political bias due to its refusal to acknowledge Ms Sally Cogley of Galston, East Ayrshire as the only credible and…


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Stockton-on-Tees syndrome 

7 May 17

After being forcibly abducted, illegally deprived of liberty, brutalised and threatened with violence and death, it is beyond belief that a hostage would regard a hostage-taker with anything other than complete contempt and utter loathing…


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Breakfast, dinner and tea 

4 May 17

For all their blindingly obvious failings, it is still possible to feel some sympathy for arrogant career politicians forced out onto the streets and into radio and television studios to explain themselves to an unworthy and inferior electorate…


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Un petit d`un petit 

30 Apr 17

The debt of gratitude owed by the entire nation to the current Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson is as incalculable as it is profound…


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Sixth Republic 

26 Apr 17

At the end of the Second World War, the Fourth French Republic was established and governed with an unstable mix of Gaullist and Communist elected representatives until 1958 when the colonial civil war in Algeria, the debacle in Indochina and revolts…


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Banned Aid 

22 Apr 17

It is difficult to decide what is the more entertaining aspect of an uncoiling election campaign; the hilarious posturing of repulsive and thoroughly nasty politicians braying their saintliness or the increasingly ridiculous and totally unachievable …


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50 days of May 

19 Apr 17

The Prime Minister, in her Easter sermon to the masses, was correct in her assertion that Holy Week is a moment to reflect and an important time for Christians and others to gather together with families and friends…


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Taking the Mick 

15 Apr 17

For a government that is seemingly obsessed with legislation, Mrs May`s merry band of jesters are failing to bring into law measures that will protect the British public from the very real and present danger of unimaginable horror…


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Jellyfish 

10 Apr 17

Ask any legitimate gathering of jellyfish, amoebas, plankton, protozoa and an accredited assortment of single-cell organisms making a living as newspaper editors and politicians and they will all agree that Bashar al-Assad, the 19th President of …


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Rock on 

3 Apr 17

Not since David Cameron infamously misplaced his child following an embarrassing photo opportunity in a pub has a British Prime Minister so spectacularly lost sight of a vulnerable dependent…


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April fool 

1 Apr 17

The art and elegance of successful prank should involve at least a little skill and any triumphant hoax, however improbable, should be able fool basic human life forms that have managed to evolve into something that is not quite a complete moron…


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Free at last 

30 Mar 17

Historians will undoubtedly look back and describe these exciting times that we are privileged to be living through as a glorious English Spring bringing about a bright political, economic and social future.


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Roll Over Chuck Berry 

28 Mar 17

One of the great advantages of growing older is that behaviour that was once considered reckless is now casually dismissed as being merely eccentric…


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Standard job description 

18 Mar 17

The owner of London`s biggest and best free sheet, cat litter and fish and chip wrapper is looking to recruit a dynamic yet compliant editor to take the flagship toxic rag forward during the inevitable disintegration of Europe and the rise of a new …


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Get in the sea 

15 Mar 17

It has only been three of four days but it seems that the sea swimmers of Clevedon featured on the BBC News ident have finally taken off their bathing caps and thrown in the proverbial beach towel…


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The End of Days 

8 Mar 17

With not enough hours in the day to find or even keep up with real news and every day of the week bringing blizzards of falsehoods and distractions, thank goodness there are designated days, weeks, months and years of commemoration to keep us …


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Lost in translation 

4 Mar 17

In a world of alternative facts and fake news being accepted as truth, it is little wonder that blatant plagiarism is ignored and rather than offering any effort at reasoned arguments, insults, rumour and downright lies have become the double-…


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From Russia with Love 

1 Mar 17

It is a little known but irrefutable alternative fact that secret medical experiments attempting to reverse death developed during the Cold War in the then Soviet Union are continuing under the democratically elected government of the free, fair and …


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Imagine 

27 Feb 17

Imagine that after defying all the odds and confounding both critics and supporters alike, you wake up to find that you have guided Leicester City to unexpected and ultimate success as Champions of the Premier League…


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Who ate all the pies? 

22 Feb 17

When the manufactured scandal has blown over and the dust has settled, the name of Sutton United`s reserve goalkeeper will return mercifully to deserved obscurity in about the same time as it takes to invent another scandal for the back pages of …


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Corby 

21 Feb 17

To: Gaz
From: Baz
2 hours ago
Message: This has come straight from Rupert…


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Fake news 

19 Feb 17

Dateline: Saturday 18th August 2017 Newly elected British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has caused further controversy just two days into office by signing a series of executive orders distancing the United Kingdom from formal agreements made by his …


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Combustion in the trouser department 

16 Feb 17

In primary classrooms, Sunday schools, Madrassas, Gurdwaras, Synagogues, Temples and nurseries across the planet the message is simple; if you tell a lie you will always be found out…


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Street crime 

3 Feb 17

The trauma, anxiety and adverse effects caused by street crime, particularly robbery, is dependent upon the psychological resilience and the physical and emotional health of the victim…


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Roll over…play dead 

31 Jan 17

The darkest hour is not necessarily just before the dawn and it is possible to be surrounded by stygian gloom even in broad daylight.


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Executive disorders 

28 Jan 17

It might just be possible to take in the deluge of effluent pouring out of the White House during the first week of Trump`s presidency with open-mouthed incredulity…


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Maggie May 

24 Jan 17

Any comparison between British Prime Ministers must surely be based on integrity, competence and policy outcomes and not on gender or the presence of a womb…


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Constant sorrow 

20 Jan 17

In an infinite, expanding and increasingly bizarre universe where strangeness and what once passed for normality have become blurred, the prospect of George Clooney forming a ZZ Top tribute band to perform at the inauguration of a racist con man as …


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Picking cherries 

18 Jan 17

Thank heavens, thank goodness, thank all our lucky stars and thank you sweet baby Jesus for giving us at long last some clarity and a time scale as to how the British government is systematically taking leave of its senses…


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Asteroid 

16 Jan 17

After a journey of trillions of miles taking thousands of light years, on Saturday 15th January 2017 an object about the size of a sofa originating in the Kuiper belt far beyond the orbit of the planet Neptune approached Earth at great speed…


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Risotto 

14 Jan 17

If the weakness of the old is a stubborn and irrational reluctance to accept a shift in circumstance, then surly the strength of the young must be the wilful, recalcitrant ability to undergo a change of mind…


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Go compare 

12 Jan 17

Unless you are considering a purchase of, say, car insurance, an aubergine, a refrigerator, a holiday or a selection of racy under garments, arbitrary comparison can sometimes be futile…


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M*A*S*H 

10 Jan 17

The family and sycophants of an 85 year old newlywed have expressed their disappointment after medical tests have confirmed that the vindictive media tycoon continues to enjoy the rudest of health…


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Tess of the Uber Viles 

8 Jan 17

If ghosts actually exist and if they do exist are capable of exhaling, then the ghost of Frederick North, second Earl of Guilford and Tory Prime Minister between 1770 and 1782 will be expelling an enormous sigh of relief at the moment…


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Mob rule 

6 Jan 17

There can be no finer example of British values than the deranged irrationality of an ill-informed angry mob in full hue and cry.


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Investment opportunity 

4 Jan 17

For people with a large sum of disposable income, I have a cast-iron, copper-bottomed, gold-plated investment opportunity guaranteed to return vast amounts of money for very little effort all that is needed is initial start-up capital to provide …


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Annus horribilis 

30 Dec 16

There are and will be many eloquent eulogies, obituaries and retrospectives of those who breathed their last during 2016 and although some might find the deification of dead celebrities somewhat mawkish, this years` harvest of notable souls has been …


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Carrot and Ginger Soup 

24 Dec 16

The children are finally home, the shopping has been done and the drawbridge lifted in the hope of keeping the hatred out for a couple of days…


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Oh God 

22 Dec 16

In this season of peace on earth and goodwill to all men, we should give pause and reflect upon the astounding success of Nigel Farage…


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Ministry of Magic 

18 Dec 16

Of all the government departments labouring away in the dark recesses of Whitehall, none is more expert at artifice, trickery and prestidigitation than the secretive Ministry of Magic…


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It`s Christmas 

16 Dec 16

How indescribably lucky we are as a nation to be under the stewardship of such a kind, caring and thoroughly generous government…


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Rogue One 

14 Dec 16

When something outrageous or provocative is broadcast on television or radio, there is a simple solution that could avoid a dangerous increase in blood pressure, impotent fury and a desire to hit the domestic appliance with an unusually heavy object.


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The normalisation of Donald Trump 

12 Dec 16

In the growing cacophony generated by whole hosts of gloating winners and regiments of whining losers, the much abused English language has taken a bit of a battering of late.


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Throne of Games 

10 Dec 16

The sound quality was appalling, the camera angles limited and the best way to describe the vision mixing would be clumsy to say the very least but the Supreme Court`s live streaming of the government`s appeal against a High Court ruling regarding …


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Splat the rat 

8 Dec 16

It is with considerable joy and with a palpable sense of relief that the timely demise of Nigel the Rat can be announced to an indifferent public…


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Above the law 

6 Dec 16

It is becoming depressingly clear that sections of the UK media and swathes of the UK public have a remarkably thin grasp of how the law works so here is a word of advice to those attempting to undermine the credibility and national loyalty of senior…


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Zacked 

4 Dec 16

There is something irresistibly delicious in witnessing a pompous, privileged, and ultimately pathological politician unceremoniously dumped by a savvy electorate…


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Eschatology 

29 Nov 16

In terms of religious superstition, when Donald Trump talks of millions of illegal votes, Theresa May states that she is governed by her faith in Almighty God and Nigel Farage, without any sense of irony, claims that he is fear for his life, then it …


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Home run 

27 Nov 16

The chances of Fidel Castro living to the ripe old age of 90 seemed rather slim given that the most powerful nation on earth has devoted considerable energy, resources and the best part of 60 years attempting to secure his removal and death…


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Pride, prejudice and more prejudice 

25 Nov 16

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an MP in possession of a cabinet portfolio, must be in want of the ability to say anything even remotely resembling the truth.


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Our man in Diego Garcia 

23 Nov 16

In a surprise move announced by the Foreign Office, former leader of UKIP and renown international diplomat Sir Nigel Farage, PhD, OBE, VC and bar, has been appointed as the next Commissioner of the British Indian Ocean Territory of the Chagos …


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Siren`s song 

21 Nov 16

There are two golden rules that any politician blessed with wisdom and integrity should adhere to; in victory, avoid arrogant gloating and in defeat, never ever describe the electorate as being stupid…


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Hypocrites in Need 

19 Nov 16

Child poverty has been officially eradicated within the United Kingdom thanks to a caring government that increased the numbers of children in need and then ignored them until they went away…


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Hovadina 

17 Nov 16

It would seem that our newly appointed Foreign Secretary equates European trade and unity, international détente, the globalised market and the free movement of people with the sale of Italian prosecco…


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Rat in mi kitchen 

15 Nov 16

Just when I thought that things could not possibly become any more horrific, problematic or deeply depressing, a rat has apparently taken up residence in the family home…


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In Flanders Fields 

11 Nov 16

On another Armistice Day and with another sorry line of politicians trying desperately to look earnest as they lay poppy wreaths at the cenotaph, the passage of time means that there are no surviving veterans of the Great War and increasingly fewer …